


Modern Hannigram

by lia_bezdomny



Series: Hannigram - Or the series, where I put the Murder Husbands into other TV shows and movies. [5]
Category: Hannibal (TV), Modern Family (TV), hannigram - Fandom
Genre: Crack, F/M, Hannibal is a Cannibal, M/M, Murder Husbands, Will Graham is a Cannibal, puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-25 08:37:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13830489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lia_bezdomny/pseuds/lia_bezdomny
Summary: “Ah, you must be Mr. and Mrs. Pritchett. So nice to meet you. I’m Hannibal, please come in.” “Wow, amazing what you did with this place. I’ve been here before and it looked like a crime scene. Wouldn’t surprise me, if you found a dead body in the walls.” “HAHAHAHAHA, DEAD BODY, JAY! YOU ARE SOOO FUNNY! ISN’T HE FUNNY?!”---Claire and Phil have new neighbours. Guess, who they are.





	Modern Hannigram

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I wrote a Hannibal/Modern Family story. And of course it is full of crack, puns and the interview segments. Also, Gloria is everything.

“Ugh, what is up with that noise? I cannot hear myself think!” Hailey smashes her purse onto the kitchen table and sits down. Alex looks up from her laptop and shakes her head.

 

“Naw, too easy. You go, Luke.” “No, thank you. I’ve come to the realisation that my zest for tormenting my sisters comes from my latent Oedipal feelings towards our parents. But I applaud you for trying to share this moment with me. I must leave now and attend Manny’s poetry reading. I bid you all a good day.”

 

“What was that?” They all stare at Luke and then at Alex.

“I have one idea but that would include a lengthy scientific discussion about inter dimensional time travel… So, I’m just guessing he fell asleep while watching something British.”

 

“Yeah, I think that’s it.” Claire agrees and looks out of the window.

“Anyway, seems like they are almost done with the construction on the laFontaine’s place, there’s a moving truck… Is that a sandalwood dresser with ebony inlays?!”

 

“A what now with what, what?” “A sandalwood… A really expensive closet, honey.”

“So our new neighbours are loaded? Nice.”

 

“It is nice and you know who got the commission for it? This guy.” Phil points to himself and Claire almost drops her mug. “Oh my God, Phil what happened?”

“What do you mean, I told you about...” “Not that, the giant bandaid on your forehead!”

 

_Phil:  
“I went over to the new neighbours, you know to check them out, give them the old Phil magic. And what do you know, I step on that one loose floorboard and hit my head on the coffee table. Turns out, our new neighbour is a doctor. He stitched me up, right then and there. No hospital bill for this lucky Dunphy, this time. He even gave me a picknick basket full of pastries and sausages. And some sweetbread for dessert, how cool is that?”_

 

_Claire:_

“ _That’s not what sweetbread is, honey.”_

 

_Phil:  
“Huh?”_

 

_Claire:  
“It is… I tell you later. Anyway, since he took care of Phil, I went over there to invite him to dinner.”_

***

Empty picknick basket in hand, Claire straightens her hair and rings the doorbell. The even remodelled the door and being her father’s daughter, she recognises the shipping price of the wood immediately. 20.000 Dollars per kilogramm. So the new neighbour was definitely not an ER doctor.

 

“Yes, can I help you?” A man in his mid to late 30’s opens the door and Claire is taken aback. He doesn’t really look like someone who’d be comfortable around a sandalwood dresser, with his plaid shirt, old jeans and thick beard.

  
“Uhm, hello. I’m Claire Dunphy, your neighbour. I would like to return the basket and say hi. And also thank you for taking care of my husband.” He looks confused for a moment but then laughs.

 

“Oh, no, that wasn’t me, that was my partner. I’m Will. But where are my manners, would you like to come in for a coffee? And on a sidenote: Do you happen to know how to operate a Victoria Arduino coffee maker? Because I think it requires a PHD in engineering. Or a sacrifice of some sorts.”

 

“Not really but if you are interested, I am a master at pressing the button on my Nepresso machine. Half cup, de-caf and sometimes, when I’m feeling fancy, also Earl Grey.” “Nespresso? It has been ages, since I’ve had a cup of that. Lead the way, please.”

 

“So, now that we both had our coffee...” “You have to start the interrogation?”   
“As a good neighbour, that’s my job. What brings you and your partner here?” “His name is Hannibal. We needed a change of scenery. I did, I had a very demanding job and it didn’t fullfill me anymore. And when Margot showed us the house, Hannibal fell in love with it and we decided to move to California.”

 

“Wow, the house was on the market for two days and you just packed up your things and left?” “Oh no, the first time it was for sale. Sadly, we were too late.”

 

“You were sad? We had to live with these people next door. They had a boat in their driveway, not to mention the countless times, they wanted to swing with us. And I think with my father in law as well.”

 

“They sound like tasteless people. We had to clean up a lot, until we were able to start construction. Excuse me.” Will takes his cellphone out of his pocket and answers:  
  
“Hello? Yes, I’m at the neighbours house...” He rolls his eyes. “Yes, they returned the basket. I don’t know, he is not here, I’m with his wife… I’m not asking her, if he feels dizzy... Fine, hold on.” He turns to Claire.

 

“Has your husband complained about any discharge in his ears, nosebleeds or vertigo?” “Yes, but he does that almost everyday. He’s not very good with walking and thinking at the same time. Why don’t you invite him over? Phil will be back any moment and then he can examine him.”

 

Hannibal does show up, a couple of minutes later in a suit someone with an expensive door like that would wear.

 

“Hello, Mrs. Dunphy. I’m Hannibal.” His accent is something, she can’t pinpoint, so she just settles for charming and exotic.

 

“Please, call me Claire. I already told Will but thank you for the food and fixing Phil’s head.” _On the outside_ is left unsaid.

 

“It was nothing. I was careless to not warn him about that floorboard. Parts of that house are death traps. I’m amazed that no one has lost a limb in there.” Will rolls his eyes again and Hannibal gives him a tiny smile.

 

“ _They are adorable,”_ Claire has to admit and offers Hannibal a coffee, which he politely declines.

This is the moment, Phil walks into the kitchen.

“Sorry, honey. I had to pick up Gloria from the hairdresser and she wanted to show me a new dress. Oh, hello neighbours!” Phil smiles and shakes their hands.

 

“Claire, have you met our neighbours?” “Uhm, yes Phil. They are in our kitchen.”

 

“Memory loss, that could be a sign of brain damage.” The doctor diagnoses but Claire just shakes her head.

 

“No, that’s how he is. Honey, Hannibal wants to take a quick look at you, sit down, okay?” “Sure, whatever the doctor orders, am I right? Oh, by the way, thanks for the amazing food. You gotta give my wife the receipt for that sweetbread. Even my father in law loved it and he doesn’t even like me.” Hannibal tells him to be quiet and quickly deduces that he doesn’t have a concussion.

 

“I don’t know how many times I can say thank you, so we would like to invite you out for dinner.” “Invite us? Oh no, we are the ones who should invite you, Claire. As some sort of house warming. How about Friday evening? I’ll cook.”

 

“Oh, we are in, should we bring something?” “Phil, we have plans on Friday, with Gloria and dad. That’s why she showed you her new dress, remember?”

 

“Since your father apparently liked my cooking, we should invite them as well, right Will?” “Sure, the more, the merrier. Besides, we could really use some room in our freezer.”

 

“That sounds great, I’m gonna call my dad and set it up.”

 

_Claire:  
“Since the LaFontaine’s left, Phil and I were a little anxious. I mean, don’t get me wrong, nothing could beat that family in the horrible neighbours department… I prepared for the worst. But now, I don’t know what I was worried about. We hit the freaking jackpot with these neighbours.” _

 

_Phil:_

“ _It’s called the luck of the Dunphy’s, babe. Everyone is getting some!”_

 

Mitchell and Cam's place:

_Mitchell:  
“So, we are babysitting Joe tonight, instead of joining my sister’s sophisticated gay neighbours' house warming party...”_

 

_Cam:  
“Let it go, Mitchell.”_

 

_Mitchell:_  
“It’s fine, really. I mean, why would we even like to make new friends with people who like the opera, fine dining and tasteful vacations...”  
  
Cam:  
“We don’t know anything about them yet.”

 

_Mitchell:  
“Oh please, Cameron! You’ve tasted his brioche! You know they have class!” _

 

_Cam (misty eyed):  
“It was so fluffy. Excuse me...”_

***

 

“What a door. You know how much this costs Gloria?”

Jay brushes his hand over the wood and looks at his wife.

 

“I don’t know, two hundred Dollars.” “Add two zeros more and you are there.”

“2000 Dollars for a door?!” “No, honey. Twenty.”

“20000 Dollars for a door?! My father worked his whole life and didn’t make 20000 Dollars!”

“Of course not, you have pesos, don’t you?” “Oh now you know about my country?”

When the door finally opens, all the colour drains out of Gloria’s cheeks.

 

“Ah, you must be Mr. and Mrs. Pritchett. So nice to meet you. I’m Hannibal, please come in.” “Wow, amazing what you did with this place. I’ve been here before and it looked like a crime scene. Wouldn’t surprise me, if you found a dead body in the walls.” “HAHAHAHAHA, DEAD BODY, JAY! YOU ARE SOOO FUNNY! ISN’T HE FUNNY?!”

Jay holds his ears and gives her a look.

 

“Gloria, we talked about this, use your inside voice.” “HA! Oh yes, inside voice, yes. We brought you something! Hahahaha!”

He shakes his head and hands Hannibal a bottle of Scotch. He quickly reads the label and smiles politely.

 

“Please follow me into the dining room. Dinner will be ready in a few moments. But I must warn you, nothing is vegetarian.” “Oh, don’t worry about that, we are both meat eaters, especially this one. She likes her steak bloody, that’s one of the reasons I fell in love with her.”

 

“Well, Mrs. Pritchett, I’m sure I can accommodate your special taste.” Hannibal turns around and Gloria makes the sign of the cross three times, before following them.

 

“Gloria, your dress looks...” “Amazing, wonderful, you wish you could wear it, yes, I know Claire! I need to talk to you...”

“Want a stuffed sausage, Gloria?” “AY DIOS MIO!” She slaps the plate out of Phil’s hand and quickly gets to her knees to pick everything up.

 

“Sorry, Phil! You scared me…” “Who is hungry?” Will comes in, a silver tray in hand with another assortment of delicious looking appetizers. The three other guest happily dig in but Gloria keeps to her orange juice, Will offered her.

 

“Are you alright, Mrs. Pritchett?” “Oh, yes, yes… I just miss my Joe. He’s so tiny and I feel not good leaving him.”

 

“Is there any way, I could make you enjoy this evening, regardless?” “Ay, no thank you Hannibal. The only thing that could make me feel better would be holding my Joe, my baby and watching him sleep and snore in his little crib, that I brought with me from Colombia.”

 

“What are you talking about, I bought that crib from that place with the creepy bunny. Mitchell and I dragged it up the stairs.” “You, you replaced my family crib with that and didn’t tell me? Oh, it’s alright my beloved Jay! I forgive you, because you are so good to me and my two sons! You take such good care of me, the poor immigrant. You all do, my beautiful family! I love you so much!”

Hannibal and Will look at each other and nod.

 

“I think it would be best to end this evening now. Mrs. Pritchett is clearly not well, tonight. Let’s not add to her stress anymore. You do have a lovely family by the way. Your company would have been a delight for many nights to come.” Now Will shakes his head and takes over:  
  
“What Hannibal tries to say is that we are not mad at you and there will certainly be no gnashing of teeth.” Gloria suddenly starts to cry and Hannibal shows them to the door.

 

“That was a weird evening,” Phil removes his tie and helps Claire unzip her dress.

“What was up with Gloria?” “I, I don’t know what to say, she’s never like this. Is there some sort of post pregnancy brain?”

“You are asking your wife that?” “I didn’t, if the answer is rewarded by a night on the couch.”

“Good boy. I hope this didn’t freak Hannibal and Will out completely. I like those two.” “Yes, me too. Boy, that man could cook. Can’t wait for another dinner date.”

 

When the moving truck pulls into their driveway a few days later, Phil and Claire had the hunch that their dinner plans with the new neighbours were postponed definitely.

***

_Gloria:  
“I'm not having pregnancy brain. I have a good brain and when I saw that man's face I remembered:_

_My cousin Mary-Rosa’s now husband was an exchange student in Italy, twenty years ago. And he was doing art and one day, he starts sending letters and newspaper articles about this killer, who made art out of his victims. And we thought:_

“ _Oh, Mary-Rosa, you just want us to envy you, because Rafael is in Italy”. Anyway, he send a police sketch of “El Monstruo de Florencia”. And he’s El Monstruo! Hannibal, not Rafael. And no one messes with my family. Even if they are lunatics!”_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
